In my journey through Ayurveda, I’ve come to learn the difference between my Ayurvedic practice vs. my yogic practice. Yoga brings spiritual enlightenment, whereas Ayurveda brings health. You need both to live a happy life.

One of my favorite yoga teachers encourages the group to attempt a headstand every Wednesday. In the first couple of months taking her class, I skipped the headstand entirely or hung out in Dolphin pose. I was afraid of the pose, convinced that I would hurt my neck or make a fool of myself. Most people feel this way about inversions. But as they say in yoga, the pose you fear the most may be the one you need the most.

Eventually, I made the effort to try my teacher’s suggested drills by walking my feet up, lifting one foot then switching to the other etc. In the past week, I finally attempted total inversion. The first time I was fully inverted(against a wall of course), I felt such a rush of joy through my heart chakra. I felt a “dumping” sensation of my energy, as prana traveled from my lower chakras to my crown. It was super healing, and since then I’ve felt lighter in my heart and mind.

Today at my wife’s yoga studio, I had a moment when my heart told me that it was time for an inversion. The teacher had not planned on an inversion, but did ask us to hang out in Dolphin’s pose. While in Dolphin’s pose, she walked by me and asked “Do you want to do an inversion?” The tone of her voice conveyed curiosity, as if she picked up on my energy and the movement desired by my body. I realized that yes, my body was taking me there bit by bit.

Healing can often come from simple gestures. With 5 words, this teacher gave me permission to trust. Trusting someone to help me into an inversion built emotional resiliency. Growing into adulthood, I had developed hyper-independence as a trauma response. Sometimes the hyper-independence made me feel strong, other times totally alone and helpless. I hope to expand my sense of trust and learn to let life play itself out without the grip of fear.

Om Namah Shivaya

The last 75 days have been some of the most transformative days of my life. I can say with certainty that I am not the same person I was when I started this challenge. The experience is different for everyone, and I would say my personal journey was very spiritual. As stated in my previous post, this is a mental toughness journey and a fitness challenge secondary to that. I’m very excited to write about my story, and hope that my future self will reflect on this time for inner strength.

Privilege as a determinant of success

Individual success in a country dominated by capitalism very much relies on the safety net of material success. Fuck family, fuck spirituality, fuck all else. If you live in America and you don’t have any money, you’re facing a devastating reality.

I live directly above my yoga studio with a monthly membership I can comfortably afford, I have a 9-5 nursing job, I make good money, I don’t have any children, and my material needs in general are met. 75 Hard was not easy, but it was accessible. The challenge is exponentially harder for those whose time and resources are limited.

There are various obstacles to health that we all experience. Where I am on the East coast, homegrown food is not readily accessible. I must rely on the existence of grocery stores and my paycheck to acquire food. Contrast this with SE Asia, where I am from. The reality of third-world poverty clutches at your soul daily, but food is abundant in the tropics. Fruits and vegetables thrive in this part of the world, meaning that food prices are lower and food deserts(like in the American Midwest) just don’t exist.

The 40-hour work week is another obstacle to health that is often overlooked. We accept this reality because technology allows us. Microwaves, slow-cookers, Insta Pots or whatever they’re called, have all replaced our ancient ways of cooking that require time. The Standard American Diet reflects this maladaptive modernization and is currently destroying the health millions, not including future generations.

I consider it a privilege that I’m childless. My time outside of work and obligations to my wife and pets, are entirely mine. My free time is truly free. The capitalistic structure of this country is not kind to families. I grew up with a different family structure, in which it was normal for three generations to live under one roof. I’m an example of someone who was raised by a village. This type of family structure is rare in families that have lived in America for generations. It means that if you want to do 75 Hard, you better cough up the dough to pay for baby-sitters, after school programs, etc. to free up time for your daily tasks.

Workouts

The two 45 min workouts were the most stressful, time-consuming tasks. They were my greatest challenge throughout my experience, not because of the physical labor but because of the demand on my daily schedule. It takes a high level of executive function to plan out your workouts and the self care that comes along with it. Especially when one of your 45 min workouts has to be outdoors! The outdoor challenge is a breeze for dog people. My pup loves our walking routine.

I feel so good. My workouts have boosted my self esteem in ways I was not expecting. I’ve gained muscle, mental clarity, high quality sleep. I lost 17 lbs within the first 60 days. My body is limber, awake, and responsive. I cycled between three basic workouts: 45 min walk daily with my dog, a power yoga class, and/or 45 min of weight training. At the gym, I focused on triceps, arm strength in general, and weighted lunges. My warm ups were always core-related. I learned various core exercises from my yoga studio that kept my warm ups interesting and engaging.

Ayurveda

I invited Ayurveda into my life within the first month of this challenge. My wife introduced it to me many years ago, and I incorporated elements of this practice into my life over time. I was finally ready to fully step into my Ayurvedic practice thanks to 75 Hard.

I began by purchasing Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda by Sahara Rose. I’ve been a fan of her podcast and cookbook for years. I knew that she would provide the introduction I needed to make Ayurveda relevant to my life.

I have been swept away since. I have learned the importance of waking with the sun, eating most of my day’s nutrition during Pitta hours(10am-2pm) when my digestive fire is the most awake, and treating food as if it is medicine. We become what we eat. The more we take this to heart, the better our lives will be.

I love Ayurveda so much that I’m considering a future career as a practitioner!

Humility

Humility is the unspoken challenge of 75 Hard. There were days when I truly felt so defeated. There were many nights when it was 10pm and my tasks were still not complete. Commitment to anything(fitness, marriage, family, friendships, work) breaks down your ego because you have to say yes every single time you want to say no.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a string of victorious weeks. Everything seemed to line up perfectly for me then. The victories made the difficult days worse. I felt even more critical of myself because I had seen myself complete my tasks effortlessly. Humility is a beautiful lesson to learn. Take pride in what you accomplish, but never forget that you are human and some days you just won’t feel like a winner.

What’s next for me

I’ve decided to progress with the LiveHard challenge and start with Phase 1 tomorrow! This will include all 75 Hard tasks, in addition to a daily 5 minute cold shower, 10 minutes of daily visualization, and 3 critical power tasks.

My power tasks:
1. Wake up at 5am
2. Weigh myself every morning
3. Complete one patient call before my lunch break

These are all things I don’t yet do everyday. I purposefully designed these tasks to be simple and easy to accomplish, but impactful enough that I will be satisfied by the end of the 30 days.

Wish me luck!

Tomorrow morning I begin my 75Hard journey! My wife introduced me to the challenge last year, when she first completed it. She has decided to embark on the journey again, and I’m joining her.

I realized that I’m currently facing several creative blocks, hence the radio silence of this blog. All week long I’m inspired to write about my daily experiences, but something stops me from physically sitting down and writing. I’ve got so many songs queued up in my head, and yet I rarely pick up my guitar.

The biggest challenge for me is sleep. When I sleep less than 7 hours a night, sustained for more than a week, my mind becomes dull and my body becomes heavy. I’m hoping this challenge will force me to be physically active enough to regulate my circadian rhythm and therefore my entire fucking life.

I have seen my own creative abilities and my strength in action. I feel my creative potential in my lower chakras, and my wisdom and inspiration in my higher chakras. Perhaps the blockage is in my manipura chakra, the seat of the Self. My lack of self confidence and motivation dulls my inner fire, effectively stopping the flow of energy and stunting my growth.

The 75Hard challenge is all about nurturing my manipura chakra by giving me a set of tasks to commit to daily for the sole purpose of increasing my vitality and health. As specifically stated in the book, this is NOT a fitness program. It is a transformative journey to mental toughness that can be applied to other areas of life.

The rules are as follows:

• Complete two 45 minute workouts
• One workout must be outdoors(regardless of weather)
• Follow a diet(can be any diet, as long as its healthy)
• No alcohol, no cheat meals
• Drink 1 gallon of water
• Read 10 pages, nonfiction. Audiobooks don’t count(this will be the easiest for me)
• Take a progress pic

I will complete each of these tasks daily for 75 days. If I fail to do so, I begin again at Day 1. This is a core principle of the program. The discipline it takes to be honest and start over is truly a commitment to myself in the long run. Cutting myself slack would not encourage me to develop fortitude and inner strength.

I am already experiencing a lot of hesitation and fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of discomfort. But overall, I am excited for one thing: To meet a new version of myself at the end of the challenge.

Growing up as a musician in an orchestra, you learn that music has a lot of rules. A lot of rules. But what I’ve come to realize growing through music, is that most musicians don’t follow the rules at all.

This occurred to me listening to the song “Love Vamp” by Eric Lau. I was stoned, laying flat on my back on my yoga mat staring at the ceiling, imagining myself playing this drum beat.

I imagined moving my hands in an almost robotically precise way, relishing the vibration of sound with every impact. No, there’s no way that drummers follow a whole lot of rules. It is impossible I think, to restrain oneself to rules as you surrender to the rhythmic work of making music.

See, in my journey to find my identity as a musician, there was this obstacle acting as a stopper of my creative power. I realize its plainly just feelings of unworthiness, of inadequacy. Telling myself “you’re not trained enough,” “you are nothing compared to artists who took lessons,” “you don’t know enough music theory.”

But music theory is merely a language that we apply to sound. Music theory is how musicians communicate the beauty of music in a tangible way. It is not meant to restrict, but to provide connection. Music theory definitely deepened my attachment to music.

Today, take a moment to yourself to get lost in some melodic drum beat, a song that takes you to the heart of your feelings. Imagine yourself letting go of shackles and chains that constrain true self expression as you open your hands and raise them to the sky.

I long for a more sacred daily life.

Early mornings anticipating the rising sun
Slow, quiet movements. A moment all to myself
on my yoga mat facing East.

A still moment in time to say my prayers
Permission to surrender my thoughts
Without pressure to do anything or accomplish things.

Perhaps a cup of hot tea
to draw the senses out, stir them to life
to return sacred water into my body.

I rise only when the Agni has awakened
Passion swirling in my chest and abdomen
Inspiring action to create a day that will become a dream of happiness.

The morning is sacred. It is a time of coming-to, of returning to one’s body, to one’s senses. It is a time of day where we honor our physical existence and the dominion of the Sun, a heavenly body and driving force of Time itself. In the liminal space between the early morning twilight and Dawn, the spiritual self is highly attuned and connected to the ethereal forces of the universe. Some of us call this force God, some of us call it the Universe, some of us call to our ancestors. We are open and receptive to downloads from our higher selves, calling us to refocus our attention to our divine purpose and mission. Especially to the most sacred purpose of all: to just be. In the early morning hours we are drawn to the calm energy of peaceful existence. The moment of pause before engaging in the activities of the day.

Tomorrow morning, I invite you to rise early in the day and capture some of your glorious time for yourself. As if to hold your soul tenderly in your cupped palms, sit yourself down somewhere quiet and peaceful in the home facing East. Give yourself permission to immerse yourself in peaceful existence.

If yoga is in your practice, I present to you two of my favorite poems that are pleasant to recite to yourself before completing your Surya Namaskar. These also pair well with a cup of coffee.

Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.
– Thich Nhat Han

Listen to the salutation to the dawn
Look to this day for it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities and all the realities of our existence.

The bliss of growth, the splendor of beauty
For yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well spent makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well therefore to this day
Such is the salutation of the dawn
– Sanskrit salutation to the dawn

Both poems can be found in the book Earth Prayers.

November 4th, 2020

We were in a small car, driving through a sunny countryside. it was five of us: Moriah and I, Houdini, and two people in the front seat. The driver was a boy with shoulder length curly brown hair. Houdini was on my lap. I have never seen him so calm in a car. He laid against me, belly up, purring. I tucked him into me, and I felt our connection again. The trust and love between mama and cat. He was content as can be. His fur was as soft as I could remember. He is so full of love. Then he looks at me, then at the drivers seat. I told him, go on, you can sit up there. He jumps around the car, looking out the windows. Here he is, the adventure cat I have always imagined him to be. So enamored with life, so ready to experience every moment. Unafraid of unknown destinations. Just happy to be going somewhere with his mamas. He was always so brave: unfazed by meeting new people, being in new places. He loved the outdoors. He loved running up and down trees, feeling the grass under him and eating it. He loved to sleep around Moriah and I’s heads at night, and loved to be swaddled. He was so giving of himself, and was always open to receive love and life.

This is a dream I had of Houdini just 17 days after abruptly saying goodbye. I felt like I couldn’t publicly post anything until I acknowledged his passing. He left this life for another as the sun rose on October 18th, 2020.

I first met him on December 2, 2015. Moriah and I were moving into her dad’s house. We had just driven him to rehab to treat his alcoholism. The cabin had fallen to neglect. There was trash and dust everywhere. Mice ran the household. Moriah and I were lonely, but determined to find joy in our life. We lived humbly at the time. I think my monthly income was about $600. We were both in school. It had been about 10 months since my parents had kicked me out. We were young, reckless, and desperate for a future.

On this particular day, we decided to go to the Humane Society of Berkeley County. We needed some animal therapy, so naturally we found ourselves in the cat room. I instantly connected with this white, piebald tabby who was particularly fond of chasing strings. I couldn’t pull away, but it was time to go home. Before I could go, Moriah urgently pulled me aside, telling me that it was a kill shelter and that this white cat would be put down if he didn’t find a home. I was immediately horrified, not knowing this was a white lie lol.

I paced the room. How would we afford cat food? Cat liter? Cat STUFF? Moriah seemed to have an answer for every one of my concerns. We had a small amount of cash and it happened to be just enough to adopt this cat. I gave in. As we discussed the adoption process with staff, a white dude with glasses and brown hair approached us saying “I heard you were adopting the white cat. Thank you so much. I was interested in the Russian blue looking one, but couldn’t bring myself to leave that white cat here. I can’t afford to take two, so thank you for taking him.” Another person approached us, a staff member. She said “thank you for taking him. I would have brought him home long ago but I already have 7 cats. I just love him so much.”

Houdini had 4 siblings. He was the last to be adopted. Him and his brother Skye were the last of their litter to be left behind. Skye had found a home just days before Houdini.

Houdini got his name from his uncanny ability to disappear as soon as you let him out of his cage. He had spots with tabby markings of brown and black. His raccoon tail is unmistakable, his amber eyes endearing. His ears each had tabby markings, and his right eye had markings that looked like an eyeliner wing.

He was 10 months old, and so ready to go home. Moriah and I lived in an on campus apartment at the time, no pets allowed. We smuggled him in using a duffle bag. Thank god for the thick concrete walls, because Houdini meowed incessantly for hours as we unpacked groceries and set up his cat stuff. He was so excited, so ready to get to know us.

We were an unbreakable threesome after that. Houdini came to personify The Magician. A powerful force of energy that brought good into our lives. He delighted everyone he met because of his casual charm, inviting energy, and his pooch. Moriah and I spared no resource in making sure he was taken care of. In no time at all, he was eating organic food.

Losing him brought on a deep wave of depression. I felt like I was drowning, with my head barely above the ocean of grief I was in. I found forward movement hearing this line from the song Hunnybee by Unknown Mortal Orchestra: “Eras rot like nature.” This season of my life felt just like the end of an era. The abrupt closing of a chapter. My Tito Leo’s words helped me accept this new chapter. He asked me, how could I possibly know how long I was supposed to be with him? All of our days are numbered. This is what was meant to be.

October 4th 2022

Fast forward to almost 2 years later: Linguini joined his big brother Houdini in cat heaven this year on July 31st 2022. Tulip followed shortly on September 23rd 2022. My entire household has changed. It is now the four of us: Moriah and I, our cat Oliver(Oli bear) and our 4 1/2 month old dog Liora.

I’m still not so sure how to deal with loss. I suppose none of us do. We just keep on living.

I’m back on this blog to pursue my writing further after my much needed hiatus to mourn.

Praise is so important as a new nurse. Don’t ever be that hardened nurse who’s seen too much to plant seeds of kindness in another person’s mind. One of the absolute most important KEY aspects of my success as a nurse is praise. Everyone around me has been so supportive and kind through their actions and words.

I’ve had someone tell me “we need more nurses like you.” I’ve also heard “I can’t believe you just graduated, you act like you’ve been doing this for years.” This is not a mere ego boost. This is the cultivation of the agent of care that patients will be relying on. How can a patient place their trust in you, when they can smell your insecurity from a mile away? Nope, we need nothing but confident nurses out here!

It’s Thursday evening, and it’s finally the weekend. Tomorrow is my pinning ceremony(I still don’t know if I want to go), I have three days off ahead of me. Two back to back twelve hour shifts feel so normal to me now. It’s really no big deal. I never thought I’d feel this way! I’ve worked 14 hour days before but never as a nurse. As a new grad it can feel like a marathon.

I had an interesting experience yesterday evening. The day had gone by slowly and easily, up until the last half hour(of course). I remembered that there was a patient scheduled for a monthly IM shot of Haldol AFTER I had done medpass. Suddenly I was on a time crunch, and I could not rely on the new nurse to help me because she was not quite independent yet.

The first thing I did was to read the order and notify the CO that I was going to need a patient to come down to medical. I then turned my attention to the nursing drug book in order to research this medicine. I have never given Haldol IM before, and wanted to see if there were any special instructions. My hunch was correct: the drug book recommends that this drug be given via Z-track in the gluteal muscle.

A challenge was suddenly presented to me. I have never given a ventrogluteal shot before. My professors haunting words came to me: ventrogluteal shots are often contraindicated due to the high risk of hitting the sciatic nerve.

I was like….uh uh. There is no way in hell I am giving the shot this way. Panic rose up from my root. I decided to speak to the patient, to let him know that this particular method of administration was recommended. He refused, saying that it was given in his deltoid last month and he has always taken in that way.

I was relieved. Recommended or not, the patient’s decision and refusal supersede all other decisions. Then a brilliant idea occurred to me: call the doctor.

We have a super sweet, soft spoken yet firm, exceedingly polite psych doctor who happens to be Jewish. I connect with her in that way because my wife is Jewish and I have fond memories of Chanukah.

Calling the doctor was brilliant because 1) the medication was ordered by her 2) she would more than likely know the patient’s history of taking this in his deltoid muscle and can provide instructions for administration.

She did just that. She told me that it should be fine, unless I feel that it is too much volume to deliver in one arm. She said if I had to, I can split the dosage in half, giving a half per arm. This is a very objective call to make only because the patient was rather thin.

The pressure of time caught up to me, as the night shift nurses rolled through the door. I was nowhere near finished with my tasks for the day, and I still had this shot to give. They walked into the clinic, casually asking “whatcha got there?”

Now I love both of these nurses, I had great rapport with them and they were quite kind to me. Both have been nurses for years. You can imagine the waves of relief that I felt knowing that I had some support if I needed it.

I communicated the situation to them both, and they quickly decided that there was no way I could give this Haldol anywhere BUT the gluteal muscle. It was simply too viscous, too thick and heavy. I held the Haldol vial upside down. The substance oozed like honey, dripped like maple syrup. I gulped.

Remember though, the patient’s decision supersedes most things. He refused to take it in his buttocks. Everyone conceded to the final decision, which was that I would give it in his arm.

The one night nurse raised a quiet warning: The size of my needle will cause some resistance. The IM needles I had on hand were 23G, and the drug book recommended 21G. It was my closest option. We are not a hospital: what we have is what we have.

I prepared to withdraw the medication. The fluid had to quite literally be pulled into the syringe. I asked for someone to watch me give the shot.

I sought my landmarks on the shoulder. As the needle approached the skin, I asked the patient to take a deep breath. To be honest, I was really saying it to myself LOL. When I tell you my hand shook, it really shook.

I pierced through to the muscle. Another word of advice: give yourself a while to get used to the sensation of piercing skin.

Once the needle was in, my stomach dropped. The plunger was nearly impossible to push. Panic filled my mind, and adrenaline forced me to think straight. There was no way out, no pulling out and asking for somebody else to take over. I had already given a little of the med, and it would cause problems if I were to quit now(how would we transfer the medication into another syringe?).

I rapidly accepted my fate. I had a needle in this guy’s arm, I have to suck down the fear and just do my fucking job. I squeezed as hard as I could, taking care not to dig the needle deeper into the muscle. I squeezed until the vanish point needle activated and the shot was completed. I checked the skin: it was hot and slightly red, but patient tolerated it well.

The two things I learned: they were not fucking around in nursing school when they drilled it into your head to use your drug guide and NEVER give a medication that you are unfamiliar with in anyway. Never act like a robot, do not act on orders that you are not familiar with just because you are operating on autopilot.

Secondly, I didn’t believed in any of the sappy shit people say about nursing until that panic moment mid-shot. Nursing takes courage. You cannot quit when challenges arise and you experience some sort of difficulty. You still have to care for your patient and protect their wellbeing. You are not always afforded the space to doubt yourself because it could impact patient care.

No matter where you are in life, being a nurse requires you to have a reserve of self confidence even if you may not have the best self-esteem. Maybe you are not perfectly aligned yet. Perhaps your mental health is not always as strong as you would like for it to be. Regardless, accepting your duties as a nurse means Challenge Accepted.

This past Sunday there was a serious incident that shook the entire jail and taught me the important lesson of duty. Two TB syringes were unaccounted for, which led to a shakedown of the entire facility.

I spent the first 5 hours of my morning playing Sherlock. I called nurses from previous shifts, analyzed sharps count sheets in all three medical offices, analyzed activity on our EMR, corroborated stories, communicated with my charge nurse(who later on we discovered drove back from Deep Creek Lake for this), and relayed all information to security.

What I learned was not just detail orientation, but the complexity behind what it means to fulfill your duty as a nurse.

The charge nurse drove all the way back from Deep Creek Lake(5 hour trip), ending her well-deserved vacation, to deal with this issue. Meanwhile, our HSA(everyone’s boss) who lived half an hour away, refused to show up for this issue. In my opinion, the HSA should’ve been involved. It is so unfair to make someone drive 5 hours, when you live in the area. Yet my charge nurse still did it. She’s been such a fantastic role model for me.

That morning, when my charge nurse arrived, she got a call out from the night nurse within an hour of arrival. The compounded stress would overwhelm anyone, but she handled it with grace and swiftly resolved the issue.

This same night nurse had been calling out on and off the last few days and it has required team members to step up and help. One of the float LPN’s who has also been a great role model for me, was working a shift with me the other day but left early so that he could work that evening. He didn’t get to sleep(having been up for the day), but still did his job.

I think its an awesome part of the job. Everyone is bound by their sense of duty, and we rise to the occasion to support each other.