Hello again

November 4th, 2020

We were in a small car, driving through a sunny countryside. it was five of us: Moriah and I, Houdini, and two people in the front seat. The driver was a boy with shoulder length curly brown hair. Houdini was on my lap. I have never seen him so calm in a car. He laid against me, belly up, purring. I tucked him into me, and I felt our connection again. The trust and love between mama and cat. He was content as can be. His fur was as soft as I could remember. He is so full of love. Then he looks at me, then at the drivers seat. I told him, go on, you can sit up there. He jumps around the car, looking out the windows. Here he is, the adventure cat I have always imagined him to be. So enamored with life, so ready to experience every moment. Unafraid of unknown destinations. Just happy to be going somewhere with his mamas. He was always so brave: unfazed by meeting new people, being in new places. He loved the outdoors. He loved running up and down trees, feeling the grass under him and eating it. He loved to sleep around Moriah and I’s heads at night, and loved to be swaddled. He was so giving of himself, and was always open to receive love and life.

This is a dream I had of Houdini just 17 days after abruptly saying goodbye. I felt like I couldn’t publicly post anything until I acknowledged his passing. He left this life for another as the sun rose on October 18th, 2020.

I first met him on December 2, 2015. Moriah and I were moving into her dad’s house. We had just driven him to rehab to treat his alcoholism. The cabin had fallen to neglect. There was trash and dust everywhere. Mice ran the household. Moriah and I were lonely, but determined to find joy in our life. We lived humbly at the time. I think my monthly income was about $600. We were both in school. It had been about 10 months since my parents had kicked me out. We were young, reckless, and desperate for a future.

On this particular day, we decided to go to the Humane Society of Berkeley County. We needed some animal therapy, so naturally we found ourselves in the cat room. I instantly connected with this white, piebald tabby who was particularly fond of chasing strings. I couldn’t pull away, but it was time to go home. Before I could go, Moriah urgently pulled me aside, telling me that it was a kill shelter and that this white cat would be put down if he didn’t find a home. I was immediately horrified, not knowing this was a white lie lol.

I paced the room. How would we afford cat food? Cat liter? Cat STUFF? Moriah seemed to have an answer for every one of my concerns. We had a small amount of cash and it happened to be just enough to adopt this cat. I gave in. As we discussed the adoption process with staff, a white dude with glasses and brown hair approached us saying “I heard you were adopting the white cat. Thank you so much. I was interested in the Russian blue looking one, but couldn’t bring myself to leave that white cat here. I can’t afford to take two, so thank you for taking him.” Another person approached us, a staff member. She said “thank you for taking him. I would have brought him home long ago but I already have 7 cats. I just love him so much.”

Houdini had 4 siblings. He was the last to be adopted. Him and his brother Skye were the last of their litter to be left behind. Skye had found a home just days before Houdini.

Houdini got his name from his uncanny ability to disappear as soon as you let him out of his cage. He had spots with tabby markings of brown and black. His raccoon tail is unmistakable, his amber eyes endearing. His ears each had tabby markings, and his right eye had markings that looked like an eyeliner wing.

He was 10 months old, and so ready to go home. Moriah and I lived in an on campus apartment at the time, no pets allowed. We smuggled him in using a duffle bag. Thank god for the thick concrete walls, because Houdini meowed incessantly for hours as we unpacked groceries and set up his cat stuff. He was so excited, so ready to get to know us.

We were an unbreakable threesome after that. Houdini came to personify The Magician. A powerful force of energy that brought good into our lives. He delighted everyone he met because of his casual charm, inviting energy, and his pooch. Moriah and I spared no resource in making sure he was taken care of. In no time at all, he was eating organic food.

Losing him brought on a deep wave of depression. I felt like I was drowning, with my head barely above the ocean of grief I was in. I found forward movement hearing this line from the song Hunnybee by Unknown Mortal Orchestra: “Eras rot like nature.” This season of my life felt just like the end of an era. The abrupt closing of a chapter. My Tito Leo’s words helped me accept this new chapter. He asked me, how could I possibly know how long I was supposed to be with him? All of our days are numbered. This is what was meant to be.

October 4th 2022

Fast forward to almost 2 years later: Linguini joined his big brother Houdini in cat heaven this year on July 31st 2022. Tulip followed shortly on September 23rd 2022. My entire household has changed. It is now the four of us: Moriah and I, our cat Oliver(Oli bear) and our 4 1/2 month old dog Liora.

I’m still not so sure how to deal with loss. I suppose none of us do. We just keep on living.

I’m back on this blog to pursue my writing further after my much needed hiatus to mourn.